Top 10 Raisedbynarcissists tips
Start secretly recording your fights with your parent/s to review their manipulative tactics later on.
It’s saved me so much of that “post-argument foggy head” feeling.Their tactics are literally transparent when you’re able to listen back on it after the heat of the argument — it’s rather validating. I just recorded a small snippet of an argument with my nmother, and it’s so crystal clear to me now post-argument, it’s amazing. Only wish I’d recorded the rest when she realised she was losing and heightened her manipulation.Edit: Okay, I thought I made this clear, but apparently not.I’m not encouraging you to use this against them or even in court, I’m saying if you are in a position to discreetly record them for your own viewing later (ie my mother was yelling at me whilst I was already on my phone) it can be beneficial to mitigate against gaslighting yourself post-argument. It’s validating to see their tactics being played back for you when not in the heat of the moment.
If your grown kid's front door is locked, don't use your "emergency key" to open it and come in.
Just because someone is yelling at you doesn't mean they're right and/or you should start feeling bad.
Easy to forget sometimes ;)
Don't feel guilt over gray-rocking,LC or NC. Narcs shouldn't get the *privilege* of knowing important/special things in your life.
Occurred to me last night, that even though I've been working on gray-rocking, I find myself offering up info about my life that I later regret (i.e. good news, or even what my schedule is for the week). But enough is enough, it is a privilege to know about the highlights of my week. As long as they act like narcs, they don't deserve to know anything. From now on, conversations will be "how's the weather?" "what's your favorite color?" "see any good movies lately?" etc. lol
If you expect the N's warped emotional response to your emotional state, you can finally stop trying and hoping for a normal decent interaction with them, you are finally free.
Isabelle Nazare-Aga's list of N's emotional responses to someone's emotional state :- JOY disturbs them- ANGER delights them- FEAR excites them- SADNESS makes them aggressively contemptuousOnce you've wrapped your head around these inhuman responses, you can let go of any hope of a normal loving relationship ever, you're finally free. Well it had this effect on me anyway.
Keep a Daily Journal.
A famous philosopher once said that life can only be understood backward but must be lived forward. One thing that's helped me immensely is keeping a daily journal and reviewing the entries with a highlighter pen in hand every so often.Today I pulled out my 2009 journal and opened up to a random entry where NMom told me on the phone that I should never have children because that would be selfish, that my then-fiancé (now Husband) was separating me from her because he was going to abuse me, and that all my career decisions were horrible. Just want to say that I've been happily married for 8 years with a gorgeous child and a successful business. If I hadn't gone hard NC with her that year, I'm pretty sure my life would not have turned out as it has. I highly recommend journaling your life each morning or evening, and making it a practice of reviewing what you've written regularly. The clarity you'll get is pretty amazing!
If you tell potentially judgmental people about your abuse, maybe don't mention the mental and emotional abuse. Many people don't understand these concepts unless they've experienced them firsthand, and people will assume mental illness and judge you for being mentally ill/"whiny".
For example, I just mention the physical. Everyone has some familiarity with that.
Your Ns are probably horrid at helping you.
My N-foster-mom was supposed to help me through a tough time, and she just made it worse. Every time I tried to talk to her about something she would just change the subject to the next new mistake I made upstairs. My last straw was when she was lecturing me about my music tastes and I asked to change the subject, and she went, "I don't have to emotionally support you"The moral of the story: Don't seek support from people you know, or even suspect, are narcissist. It won't help you feel better, if not you'll feel *worse.*Edit: Thanks for the support guys! I'm actually out of the foster home now, have been for a while, just wanted to share this/get it off my chest
How to turn off Facebook chat for a single user.
Warnings from outside.
I read a lot of stories here where people not in direct proximity to N* people tend to think they're nice people.That's not always the case, it might be reversed.All friends that came to visit were terrified of my mother. And I mean terrified. They couldn't say anything exact as to why, but she creeped them out.It took a while for a childhood friend to say that he was batshit scared of what she might one day do, only admitting so when I asked why we always played at his house.It took even longer for me to realise the issues she had, and my siblings and I's position as SG, GC, ...But it's these visitors' behaviour that made me question the family dynamic, and I'm happy they did. It helped me explain and manage a few of my own issues I developed, and helped me confront her.So if you see anything similar, don't dismiss it as something quirky like I did. It might be a warning.PS: Sorry if any sentence structures are weird, English is NMFL.